Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
It basically boils down to is that I needed to make a decision that'd last forever, for my own reasons. The simple reason is that I just like tattoos.
At the time of getting the tattoo, I had been dating a girl (no, the paint isn’t some lame tribute to a girl) and we were lost in our feelings for each other (in love and all that crap). But she was going through some stuff, my stubborn and old school bull headedness didn't understand but we really cared about each other so I was patient and trying to help. Even though we were in a spot, it had been getting serious and actually didn’t feel like death at the time.
I needed to know what forever felt like before I could commit to someone.
You go through school and there's always a next level that's expected for you to step to, and then one day you are at an impasse (the real world) and there is no clear direction to walk, no set path. So you just start walking and it works, b/c it has to, and you find your way for yourself and feel out your vocation.
A relationship w/ another person doesn't work that way. It's a one time decision that is supposed to signify the rest of your life. Alone, in your own mind, you can choose and control your own happiness, but in a relationship you are not alone. A part of you is given up; it is at the whim of another. This is part of the gamble, the excitement and thrill that makes us feel alive. What will they do w/ that part of you, how much can you give them. Eventually you begin to ask, is this person worth forever. No one knows this, and I've never been married but I'd imagine that even those that are married can attest to these feelings at times, even after many years.
In relationships we become vulnerable. We become naked to this other person. I do not mean that literally (although I hope this is happening, I personally believe that people should be loving each other in all sorts of ways all the time, and making love, not just the simple act sex, should be a large part of that). Our emotions, faults, intentions, our very inner being becomes naked. It is as if some one is peering into our minds or even our souls.
We all think that we'd like to read other people's minds, but what a horrible thing. "Not knowing" is a gift. Of course I'd like to know what everyone's true intentions and feelings are but that would ruin the excitement of the unknown, which is part of the thrill of intimacy and love and lets us engage in each other to a much deeper level than if we already knew. If we already knew, there would be no vulnerability, no chance of pain, no fear, no connection or longing or need for each other.
This is where I was, contemplating all these things. Wondering, could I take a step to sharing a life w/ someone?
I feel this decision comes to others a bit easier than it comes to me.
See, I grew up feeling like I wouldn't live very long (don’t ask me why), and early in my development people made it seem like I wouldn't be able to live a very good life. This was after I'd been diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder and Rx'd some Ritalin that'd get me to sit in my seat and actually hear teachers put boring shit on the board. As a side note all it really did was make me paranoid and cause constant social anxiety. How's a 6 year old supposed to understand what "normal" feels like. But w/e, it's one of my trials that shaped who I am today.
So I've always felt like every moment needed to be experienced. This was great. I've always felt like every day was a gift and that I want every great experience this life has to offer. I hunger for this constantly.
However, when it came to settling down w/ a mate this little philosophy on life really screwed w/ me. Not that I've ever been extremely guarded (protective, yes, guarded, no). Guarded wasn't the problem, sure I'd been in relationships before where I got my heart pretty well slammed, I'd been rejected, belittled and lost my balls for awhile. But the idea of committing to someone was much deeper than a problem w/ vulnerability.
So, I needed something that I had given myself to, that I stood for, that was everything to me, and that would be shared w/ the person I'd love and share myself w/ and commit to.
I always liked the Spanish saying that “Life is Beautiful” but that wasn't enough. And I'm not Hispanic. I can barely stumble my way through a convo in spanish w/ my Mexican friends (that barely speak english....it's interesting), so why would I get that tattooed on me.
I've said for a long time. “I have this one life, this one time, this one trip to do everything in this world.”
I do believe in a continuation of energy, and almost every religion in the world can agree to that, even if it's not a deity. I believe in an energy that is a spiritual place for us to go, be, feel, and understand, but this life is a gift, like I said before, "Not knowing" is a serious gift. Once we die we will understand so much more than what we "think" we know during this life. We'll feel things we've never felt or had the ability to understand before. This life is a place where we get away from knowing ‘everything’. It’s a journey w/o a map, literally. It's an exciting trip for our souls. I love the nice, comforting, predictable feel of my bed, but a little change of pace w/ blanket around a campfire is a blast.
***So, I put my faith, my philosophy on life (to live and take in every second as best and great as you can), my love and heart all in two words on one spot on my body, and this would let me know how it feels to make a decision and have something that will last an entire life.
I still love my decision, for me it is much more than a tattoo.
If it were just a tattoo for tattoo's sake, I'd never have gotten it. I've never lived my life that way. It tells me to get off my ass and live.
My mom has said for years how terrible she'd feel if any of her kids got a tattoo. I let her down.
Btw, my mom isn't just a mom. She's the biggest badass I've ever met in my life, and I don't say that b/c she's my mom, that has absolutely nothing to do w/ it. She can cut you in half (seen it, experienced it, tried to do it, failed), but she's also one of the most caring and warm hearted people I've known. We spent years in constant battle, but when it comes down to it, she's the toughest person I've ever met. She puts tough guys to shame. Janet may never understand the tattoo but maybe this helps. Non the less this will disappoint her, no matter how much it means to me.
Why is it not filled in? It actually took much longer and cost more to be an outline. I wanted it that way. I find human form beautiful all on it's own. It's bilateral symmetry is rarely even close to perfect, and our beauty is in our imperfections (physically as well as psychologically). I'm not a narcissist, I just don't want to alter the contour or shape of what nature intended.
Why my side? I put it on the side of my body b/c this was supposedly one of the most painful places to get tattooed (I'm not saying that I am normal, I realize how much of a whack job I am). It is also a place that I can see anytime but is not in my line of sight so much that I become nebulous to it or it's meaning. And it’s not symmetrical to the other side of my body, so in a way, I went w/ nature.
As far as the girl goes….. Surprisingly, I actually almost went through w/ it (looked at rings, whole bit)….but…..we’re two very different people, I backed out for good reason and it was the right decision.
Actually pulled a key out of a pair of pants this weekend that was from when I almost asked her to move in w/ me….(more crazy that I haven’t worn those pants since then, forgot where the key was this whole time, or that I actually almost went and did that? You tell me).
Plus, I’m a guy that eats tons of weird stuff, lives at a gym, is a whore to information and improvement in all forms, and writes about his "feelings" (what-a-pussy). This is a short list of my quarks, so I can’t imagine that I’d be easy to live w/. For instance after my 2nd pork loin dry rubbed in turmeric, 3rd helping of kale soaking in vinegar, and the enormous amounts of garlic I cook w/…. Bet you can’t wait to make out w/ that.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011